A Bad Dream.

I close my eyes

And lay down my head.

Warm tears flow freely,

Moistening my bed.

I drift off to sleep,

Hoping for some peace.

I really need a break,

Oh dear God , please ?

In the calm

Of a moonless night,

I'm walking to nowhere,

When I see the light.

A tiny seed of hope

Is planted in my heart.

Feet slapping the ground,

I run fast.

I reach the end of the road, 

And see light emanating from a gate.

I breathe in deeply

As I walk towards my fate.

Blinded by the light,

For a moment, I can't see.

Once my sight returns

All I can think of is to flee.

A face so frightful

That I can't help but scream.

I can only hope,

That it's all just a bad dream..

Why do I feel so lonely ?

I know I'm being unfair if I ask you to give me all your time. I don't want that. I want you to have fun. Have your own life. I have my own life as well. And we did spend a month just talking to each other. Telling each other everything. Is that why we've run out of things to talk about ? Is that why we've been having such short conversations? With a few exceptions obviously. Like today and the meme talk. But yeah.
 Does everyone feel like this? When someone is there, you have nothing to talk about. But the moment they leave, you feel bad being alone. But the worst part is that, when they were there, you were silent. You didn't say a word. It's not really a nice feeling, is it? I don't know whether I should be sad or mad that I'm here all alone while you play games and have fun, or whether i should feel guilty for feeling those emotions in the first place; because I never gave you any reason to speak. I never started a proper conversation. I want you to have fun. But i don't know. Guess I just get a bit lonely. I'm a weird creature. I'll never understand myself. And it'd be a miracle if anyone else ever did. Even you.

Tears of insecurity...

Just because I have a boyfriend, just because he tells me that he loves me, doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to be insecure. No matter how many people tell me that I look pretty, that I shouldn't be so worried, I can't help but think of myself as a horribly ugly being.

I was afraid of meeting him for the first time, because I thought that everything would end that day. That it would be my last day of being loved by someone. Because  he'd be disappointed by how I looked. I told him time and again that I'm fat and I'm not really that attractive. I could see it on his face that I wasn't what he was expecting. I'm still not. He always tells me that I look beautiful. But I know I don't. The first time I met his friends, one of the guys later told him that I wasn't really good looking enough. That's when my insecurity got worse. I love the guy, I really do. And I know he loves me too. But I can't help but doubt. I'm always worried that he'll soon find someone else once he realizes I'm not worth the time and effort. I don't have a great personality. I'm not pretty. I'm just a fat, average girl. I've done a lot of things with him. They'd normally be proof enough, but they're not.. 

A month ago, he texted me saying that the most weird thing had happened. He told me that a girl had asked him out for coffee. And he'd gone with her. He might have just gone for the heck of it,  but I still worry about the time he'll go because he wants to. He faked a call and left when she asked him out on a movie date. But it's hard for me. A girl confident enough to ask out a guy, she had to be beautiful. 

I cried and cried my heart out that day. I have issues. A lot of them. And my insecurity is my biggest flaw. I pretend that I'm sure of myself and my looks. I pretend that I think I'm beautiful. But once In a while I do let out around one per cent of how I feel. I sit in a rickshaw with him and his best friend and they both have to sit uncomfortably because I take up too much space. I go out with them, I try to avoid contact. I try to just shut up and try to fade into the background. 

Sometimes I can't. I need to let go. I cry. I get angry. I have arguments. But for every tear I shed, there's a hundred more beneath the surface that I'd rather not. I know I'm ugly. I know I'm fat. But I wasn't like this before. I'm trying so hard. Today I went out for his birthday party. They must have thought me to he a stupid Clumsy idiot. Because I kept tripping over nothing at all. But I'm not really that Clumsy. I want to prove to them all that I am capable of possessing beauty. That I'm not just an idiot. I want them to actually like me. To let me take and post pictures with them. To have them enjoy my company. I'm tired of this. I've spent the past week working out in the gym before even the sun rose because I want to do it fast. Before he realises that I'm not really that great. Before my heart is shattered into a million tiny fragments.
All I want is to be beautiful. To be loved. To have people compliment me rather than insult me. I want people to actually like it when I hug or kiss them. I want so much. And I'm almost killing myself to get there. The reason I kept falling was because I barely had enough strength to stand. I couldn't even pick up a damn bowling ball. I ached all over. But I went anyways. It was his birthday. I wanted him to enjoy it. And now I know that he would have had a lot more fun if I hadn't gone.

I'm just so tired of feeling this way. Of feeling inadequate and inferior. Of being so fucking sensitive. I want to simply give up. Let the world have fun. Leave. Would make a lot of lives easier. Including mine. 

Rants and rambles 1

People think that it's a choice between brains and boobs. That you can either be girly. Or be geeky. You can't be both. That's just bullshit. I've been called a wannabe nerd way too many times to count just cause I couldn't quote the books I said I was obsessed with. Well excuse you Bitch, I don't have great memory. Doesn't make me any less of a fan. It's annoying. Being discriminated against in a community that was formed of people that hated being discriminated against. They just do the same thing that was done to them. Your geek factor isn't determined by how many scifi movies you've watched or how many video games you've played. You can't say that someone is a better fan for being able to quote the book, show or movie more than someone else. It's stupid. Everyone is different. Doesn't mean that they love it any less. I can be a girly girl and put on makeup and pretty dresses. And still be a geek. I wear my glasses cause I need them. Not cause I'm a poser. It's something that just pisses me off. Being considered a faker and a wannabe just cause I have other interests as well as the normal geeky ones . I don't have to fit into some dumb stereotype to be a geek. Maybe then I don't want to be a geek. I'd rather be a person.. With various interests. Scifi and fantasy but at the same time shoes and hair and accessories. Simply me. My personality, scratch that, everybody's personality is different. Everyone is different. Judging someone because they have different interests than you is like hating on someone who likes pizza just cause you like pasta better. 

Letters to a lover. (6)

Everytime I see your face, it's like it's the first time. My skin bursts out into sweat. My flesh is covered in goose pimples. My lips curl upwards and reveal my teeth. I smile bigger and brighter than I ever thought possible. I get fidgety and nervous and yet at the same time I get this rush of boldness and confidence that takes over me and makes me pounce on top of you. You make me feel like a giddy schoolgirl during her first summertime romance. And at the same time like a grown woman with her one true love. I don't know how serious this is to you. But to me, this, you and me, our relationship, it's everything. When I first sent that message, I wasn't even expecting to make a friend, let alone fall in love. You make feel like I can touch the colours around me. Like I can fly up into space. Like I can touch the sky. You give me hope. You inspire me. You help make my life worth living. And that is something that I could never repay you for. You just burst into my boring, meaningless existence and flicked your little magic wand, and made it all this wonderful fairy tale land where all my dreams can come true. When you're around, the air feels lighter. I turn into this giggly mess. And when I'm not giggling, it's excuse my mouth is too busy doing other things. Though I can't wipe that dumb grin off my face. I smile at random times when a thought of you crosses my mind for some reason. People have begun I wonder whether I've gone mad. To quench  their curiosity, I'll admit it. Yes , l am mad.  Madly in love with you ,that is .

Letters to a lover. (5)

It took me almost two months of summer to get comfortable with talking to you. I remember our first date and how when I first heard your voice, I was awestruck. I heard you speak. I heard the words. But I didn't pay any head to them. I was too busy trying to get my body under control. The mere sound of your voice was enough to set me off. I stared at random inanimate objects and giggled like a fool. Just to inform you, I'm never like that. I'm normally a confident person. I can speak openly with any stranger. I've won elocution competitions. And debates. And I normally say whatever is on my mind. It doesn't matter who I'm talking to. But with you, everything is different. Just opening my mouth to say hi was hard enough. I was nervous and fidgety and I couldn't even look at your face. I stole a few glances, and they were enough to make me falter. I looked at your dark skin glistening with sweat. Your bright teeth shining when you smiled that wide toothy grin of yours. That cute little dimple that could melt me into a puddle. Your eyes sparkling behind your recently fixed glasses. I tried hard not to look at you, because I knew that if I did it once more, I wouldn't be able to turn away. I mustered up every ounce of courage when I touched your arm. My skin burst into a million sparks the moment I felt yours under my palm. When you nudged my leg with yours, I left mine in place, unmoving. I froze. My nerves got the better of me. I'll never forget the slightly raspy, deep tone of your voice.
Now, I can't go a day without listening to it. I don't care what you might say. You could go on and on about chemistry or something weird that would make no sense to me, but I'd still sit there mesmerized by the sound of your voice. My eyes closed. I Try hard to pay attention to the words. I can hear them. They stay in my mind long enough for me to form a response. But they fade away. And it's only your voice that remains. That one minute long phone call is enough. Just you asking me to call later, it makes me a bit mad, it I don't care, I got to listen to your voice. You said something. That's all that matters. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm pretty sure I'm insane right now. I might be rambling. I spent the amount of money that would normally last me a year, in four days. Just cause I was talking to you.
When I don't reply to something you've said, you ask If I'm still there. I always am. I just pause. Because I'm lost in your voice . It takes me a moment to realise what you're saying. It's going to be stuck in my head for the rest of my life now. And I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. For now, I'm blissfully happy listing to you rant and ramble about video games and your friends and whatever else you feel the need to talk about. I listen. I know what you say. I remember each and every word. I just choose to keep it in the back of my mind. And just enjoy the sound. Cause it's like music to my ears. And yes, even when you swear and cuss. Well maybe not then. I choose to ignore that bit. But yeah, everything else. Most of all, when you say that you love me. Because that's something I never ever imagined someone saying to me. And I know that when you say the words, you actually mean them. Which just makes it all the more beautiful and amazing to hear.

A starry night and a rambling dreamer.

June 1 2014
2256
As I write this, I'm sitting in the bus. I'm looking out the window and I can see the clearest night sky that I have ever seen. The darkness of the night has shrouded the trees and the road. The headlights of the bus and the night lights inside are the only illumination. Save for the stars. For they are shining brighter than ever. The moon is thin, pale yellow and crescent. She looks like a communion wafer that's been bitten. But the moon disappeared a long time back. I am no longer graced by her sight. Instead, there's thousands of stars decorating the dark, black canvas of the night sky. The trees on the side of the road hide them from me at times. But whenever the greenery thins out a little, my eyes are blessed by a sight that can only be described as heavenly. I don't know whether or not you are charmed by what the night has to offer, but she has me, heart and soul. The stars shine bright like little specks of glitter reflecting the light on a black background. The sound of violins, pianos and bells echo in my ears as the music reaches them through the earphones. And they provide the perfect atmosphere for such a vision. Here and there, there's the few stars that shine brighter and larger than the others. I know not much of astronomy. So forgive my ignorance if I am unable to explain all that I'm seeing in an eloquent manner. I haven't the faintest idea what I'm seeing. I remember studying that stars are merely great big balls of gases and fire that lie light years away from this planet that we dare to call home. This past year I learnt in physics that stars do not twinkle. They merely emit light. It's the earth's constantly moving atmosphere that causes the light to refract a few times or so which makes the stars appear to twinkle. I could go on and on about this. I might be slightly Incorrect, but I remember learning this. I remember writing it down a few times. In my examinations. But sometimes, my inner imaginative child pops out. And she needs a bit of magic to believe in. I know the science behind it. But I can't help but feel like a little girl looking out into the vast expanse of the sky, imagining things that most probably do not exist. But bear with my ramblings, If you will. You've heard me go on and on as a lovesick teenager. That's merely one tiny part of who i am. I am many different things. I am many different kinds of people. I'm me. A mix of various different stereotypes and opinions. My eyes hurt looking into the glaring headlights of the trucks and other vehicles that pass by my bus, going in the opposite direction. But then I just raise my head, and look up at the sky. And I feel comforted. My eyes hurt less. They widen in amazement and childish wonder. I think of the kinds of things that lie out there. In that sea of black. With the little shimmering ships sailing around in its expanse. Extremely slow ships. For they do not seem to have moved a fair inch since I last raised my head to look up out the window and marvel at their beauty. I'm typing quite slow. As it is late. And my eyes hurt and I'm tired to the bone as I hadn't slept a wink last night. And I have to sleep in a seat in a moving bus tonight. I keep looking out. As it seems to calm my eyes. The music plays faintly as my earphones have fallen out and they lay dangling from my ears. And slowly my vision is getting blurry. I had hoped to wrote more of the night. But the cool air cradles me and the night beckons me. She asks me to shut my eyes and let go of this realm for another. One where I can fly up and into the black Sea. Where I can flutter above the sails of the twinkling silver ships. When perhaps I might be able to be graced by the presence of the captains of these ships. The sailors. The ones that have deigned to let us pitiful humans enjoy the majesty and beauty that are their silver ships up in the black Sea of the midnight sky. So I fear I must bid you adieu, for the wind gets chillier. And the stars brighter. And my lids get heavier with each passing moment. Would you care to join me in my adventure in the realm of the dreamers? I promise you won't be disappointed or bored. For there is always something to do. Dream. The entire universe is in your grasp. But only if you dare to dream.

Letters to a lover (4)

When I think of all that's happened this summer, it feels like a dream. Like I'm going to wake up now any second and find out that it's the 6th of April. And that I haven't received the message I did that morning. That none of this ever took place. That I'm still a loser. That I still have only one person to call a friend who I barely Trust. That I'm still just a fat, ugly friendless nobody. That I never really gave my heart away. Cause I never really had one to begin with. Because it was torn into shreds ages ago. I used to think that I did a lot of stuff, knew a lot of people, that I was at least somewhat important. But then, I got to know you. And now, it's as if my life before you had no sense. I was just existing. Waiting. Waiting for you to come in like a gust of wind and give me the breath of life that I've been wanting for far too long. You made me feel alive for the first time since I was but a babe. When I'm with you, it's as if I'll never need alcohol or drugs or anything. Just breathing the same air as you can get me high. With you by my side, I feel as if I can touch the colours around me the same way I can touch your skin. I try and touch you as much as I can. Save it in my memory. I constantly fear that what we have might just disappear somehow, someday. And I'd rather not take chances. I take in your essence. As much as is humanly possible. So I can survive till the next time we meet. Barely.
I memorise all the bumps and curves and ridges and Depressions. The slight roughness of your palms. The smooth skin of your arms and torso. The scratchy,ticklish hair above your lips and on your chin. the stubble of hair as I move lower to a region that's been shaved recently. I drink in your sweet ,minty taste.I breathe in your musky scent. I've created a folder in my mind. And everything that is you is stored there. With a backup in my heart.