Tears of insecurity...

Just because I have a boyfriend, just because he tells me that he loves me, doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to be insecure. No matter how many people tell me that I look pretty, that I shouldn't be so worried, I can't help but think of myself as a horribly ugly being.

I was afraid of meeting him for the first time, because I thought that everything would end that day. That it would be my last day of being loved by someone. Because  he'd be disappointed by how I looked. I told him time and again that I'm fat and I'm not really that attractive. I could see it on his face that I wasn't what he was expecting. I'm still not. He always tells me that I look beautiful. But I know I don't. The first time I met his friends, one of the guys later told him that I wasn't really good looking enough. That's when my insecurity got worse. I love the guy, I really do. And I know he loves me too. But I can't help but doubt. I'm always worried that he'll soon find someone else once he realizes I'm not worth the time and effort. I don't have a great personality. I'm not pretty. I'm just a fat, average girl. I've done a lot of things with him. They'd normally be proof enough, but they're not.. 

A month ago, he texted me saying that the most weird thing had happened. He told me that a girl had asked him out for coffee. And he'd gone with her. He might have just gone for the heck of it,  but I still worry about the time he'll go because he wants to. He faked a call and left when she asked him out on a movie date. But it's hard for me. A girl confident enough to ask out a guy, she had to be beautiful. 

I cried and cried my heart out that day. I have issues. A lot of them. And my insecurity is my biggest flaw. I pretend that I'm sure of myself and my looks. I pretend that I think I'm beautiful. But once In a while I do let out around one per cent of how I feel. I sit in a rickshaw with him and his best friend and they both have to sit uncomfortably because I take up too much space. I go out with them, I try to avoid contact. I try to just shut up and try to fade into the background. 

Sometimes I can't. I need to let go. I cry. I get angry. I have arguments. But for every tear I shed, there's a hundred more beneath the surface that I'd rather not. I know I'm ugly. I know I'm fat. But I wasn't like this before. I'm trying so hard. Today I went out for his birthday party. They must have thought me to he a stupid Clumsy idiot. Because I kept tripping over nothing at all. But I'm not really that Clumsy. I want to prove to them all that I am capable of possessing beauty. That I'm not just an idiot. I want them to actually like me. To let me take and post pictures with them. To have them enjoy my company. I'm tired of this. I've spent the past week working out in the gym before even the sun rose because I want to do it fast. Before he realises that I'm not really that great. Before my heart is shattered into a million tiny fragments.
All I want is to be beautiful. To be loved. To have people compliment me rather than insult me. I want people to actually like it when I hug or kiss them. I want so much. And I'm almost killing myself to get there. The reason I kept falling was because I barely had enough strength to stand. I couldn't even pick up a damn bowling ball. I ached all over. But I went anyways. It was his birthday. I wanted him to enjoy it. And now I know that he would have had a lot more fun if I hadn't gone.

I'm just so tired of feeling this way. Of feeling inadequate and inferior. Of being so fucking sensitive. I want to simply give up. Let the world have fun. Leave. Would make a lot of lives easier. Including mine.